Pen Envy: A Good Man--I Mean Pen--Is Hard To Find

So, I have this little obsession with the Perfect Pen. I select my pens with discernment, and they become my friends as they accompany me through jotted ideas, impromptu lists, and attentive note-taking...and as friends, I am always sorry to see them go.

The problem is, when you're married, your spouse may be the type of person who buys cheap bulk packs of Bic ballpoints and then proceeds to "subconsciously" make off with your own beloved (read: nicer) pen.

I know I'm not the only one with this obsession. In the Mongolian steppe, good pens were hard to find. Most of us in language class had our prized pen from America, the single one we'd stuffed in our carry-on in order to write postcards from Seoul en route. Little did we know that these pens would become closely-guarded treasure.

One day in Bayangol, I found a Perfect Pen on the classroom floor before class. Unable to believe my luck, I took notes with it that day--until lunch, that is, when I heard one of my classmates yell, "Is that my pen?!?!?!!!" "Well, I suppose it is! I found it on the floor earlier." "GIVE. ME. BACK. MY. PEN. That's MY pen. That's my FAVORITE pen."

Apparently, however, things have changed since I last checked the pen aisle. Itching for a trusty, inky sidekick, I ventured unsuspecting into an anonymous big box store today: Day 1 of my quest. I was immediately plunged into a sea of frantic back-to-school shoppers ripping apart the supplies as their lives depended on finding the Perfect Pen.

And so they do. Or, some version thereof, such as the Perfect Popluarity Notebook or Mrs Ironshank's Perfect Scientific Calculator.

The problem was, despite submerging myself into sneezing 9-year olds and hassled parents, my Perfect Pen was nowhere in sight. !!!!!!!!!!!???????????

FIRST OF ALL. There will be no retractables in my life. Retractable is just a nice way to say "piece of crap with a spring that'll rust and a pen that'll invariably leak through the ever-open top or push out and write nonsense all over the inside of your purse." The crisp satisfaction I get from uncapping, and the finality and accomplishment of snapping the cap back on...yes, caps are more sophisticated.

SECONDLY. The rubber grip MUST be ribbed or studded (dirty, I know!) NOT SMOOTH!!!! When it's smooth, it rolls up the...shaft...and what good is that?!

THIRD. The ink must be blue, but the perfect shade of blue. Not too dark. Not too pale.

FOURTH. The point must not be too fine. I'm trying to make a statement here. 0.7 mm is a good size.

FIFTH. Gel ink is ok, but it has to have a roll/ball point. There HAS TO BE a BALL.

SIXTH. The shaft must not be too wide, nor too narrow.

SEVENTH. Long-lasting is a must.

Is that so hard to stock?!!!!!! My quest continues.