Feminism and Consumerism: Conjoined Twins?

Feminism is a complicated issue for me, and while I consider myself one on a fundamental level (ie, I believe that women and men are equally human and, as such, both deserving of their equal individual, political, and legal rights), I haven't always approved of what many in our culture consider to be feminism in practice.

Recently, however, I read The Way We Never Were: American Families and Nostalgia Trap by Stephanie Coontz, which finally clarified something for me. Namely, that it is once again consumerism that I disapprove of--and that consumerism has infected our idea of feminism to the point that it makes it hard for people (women? Can men be feminists too? I think they can--how many would admit to being such is another question) like me to identify with the current conceptualization of "feminism."

I should back up here and state that I do not believe feminism to be a set of actions to check off on some magic to-do list: going out and getting a degree does not make you a feminist. Not even becoming the first female president of the United States makes you a feminist. Feminism is also a lifestyle and a set of core values. Feminism should be ethical. To put it plainly, feminism is NOT just advancing yourself as a woman. It is not just pursuing your own personal ambitions. I believe this would be a male-centric value (please don't mistake me here--I'm not saying men are in any way bad or evil--I am classifying greater culture behaviors based on a male-centered culture--not on any individual male. I love men--heck, I'm married to one and have given birth to one! I have a great relationship with my dad and several of my good friends are males. I do not dislike men). If one is truly to call herself a feminist--that is, one who believes in the social, political, educational advancement of women--one helps to advance other women, and girls, and even boys and men--why? Because feminism revolves around equality and being fair.

I should also back up even further and say that I do not believe feminism revolves around imitating male behaviors and traits, ie, a reduction of womanhood to the practice of monkeying men. I suppose this would get me into some trouble with would-be critics (were anyone actually reading my little blog) because it could be interpreted as separate-but-equal ideology--and we all know to what extent that was a sham when it came to racial equality in the U.S. A closer analysis, however, would reveal that equality does not necessarily equal sameness. Just as we have diversity between people in the US when it comes to ethnicity, religion, and culture, we can have diversity when it comes to sexuality yet still have equality.

But the above two sticking points for me stem from the mixing of consumerist and feminist precepts--ie, that women should be as free as men to consume to their hearts' desires--not just in the domestic realm. That women should be equally free to pursue wealth and ideals of individuality--also a pillar of a consumer culture. Coontz brings up the point that ever-increasing fragmentation and hyper-individualism is the logical conclusion of consumerism. We see this in the fact that children are becoming "target audiences" at younger and younger ages--being told that they can best create their images through purchases. The idea that women "should" pursue a career and work right through child rearing is often pressed upon them not in order to make them into fulfilled, well-balanced individuals, but to make them into targets for products, images, and lifestyles--not just as individuals, but as moms as well, in order to give their children the "best" objects and amenities on the market.

This ideology strikes me amoral on several levels, not least of which is the fact, as Coontz points out, that working conditions, schedules, and locations are not female- or family-friendly. It's the "do it all" syndrome I addressed (on a societal level) a few posts back. Women are expected to be men in the workplace and this is actually the opposite of equality--it puts women at a disadvantage and on an unlevel playing field. But women, told that they can indeed be equal to men if they just work harder, sleep less, and be smarter, feel pressure to be "just as good if not better." All this--often, not always--to serve the almight bottom line, the household dollar, in a never-ending pursuit of "the next-best thing" and "keeping up with the Jonses."

Furthering the immoral cycle in my mind is the question, "what about the other best things?" You know, the ones like having a parent available to be there and raise you--one who's not stressed out and always rushing. A parent who helps you achieve your dreams and meet your needs, not the other way around. A parent who takes you to story time and the park during the day. A parent who listens, not hyper-schedules you to keep you busy. What about those other best things, like food that doesn't come out of a box, or being at home when you want to be, instead of shuttled off to a group situation all day? I'm not saying it's necessarily wrong to be a dual-earning couple, but what I am saying is that there's something to be said for the things money can't buy. Seriously, would my kid rather have a trip to Disney World, or would he rather have me or my husband fully engaged with him every day? Would he rather have a TV in his room to be sat in front of while I microwave dinner, or would he rather help me make dinner? Would he rather be taught discipline and values from institutions or from his parents? Would he rather be allowed to explore his individuality within the pace of everyday family life, or within the bounds of structured "creative" activities?

I believe consumerist societies, cultures, pursuits, and values ultimately lead nowhere, and are self-destructive. I guess I can feel more comfortable thinking of myself as a feminist now that I have more understanding of where "the movement" dead-ended. For awhile I was wondering, "how can I call myself a feminist if I'm a full-time mom?" But it wasn't feminism that I rejected when I opted to stay home with my son. It was consumerism. I refused to march off to something I didn't believe in under the guise of a corrupted, politically correct -ism. But that's just me. Do I think all dual-income couples with kids are pursuing a materialistic lifestyle? No--my point is that our culture has become locked into a cycle of individual pursuits and purchases, which Coontz shows is not necessarily conduicive to family or community life--or even marriage. I have a post-graduate career (or lack of one!) that I can put on hold, so I am lucky to be able to stay at home with my son for now. I can't possibly say all women should stay home from work when they have children--it's not practical or ethical , let alone feminist. But dads can opt to be full-time parents too...true feminism would approve.

The Woman Who "Does It All--" Another myth reborn

Last week's mail brought me a copy of my local YMCA's summer programming. The back cover had a picture of a hip mom-woman wearing earrings, lipstick, pink tank top, and boxing gloves. The caption read, "Your kids think you can do it all. Prove them right."

Why is it that we are bombarded with catch phrases and images of women who "do it all," but not men? Have you ever heard of a guy who "does it all?"

Here's Dylan. He works full time, got a promotion last month, picksu p the kids from school and has supper on the table by 6 pm. He's a soccer coach, goes to church, and grills on the weekends. He pays careful attention to appearance--notice how physically fit and stylish he is. He keeps his lawn mowed and won the Best Dad of the Year Award. And he does this all by his 10 pm bedtime! Oh, and he's a great husband too!

Right.

So why do we hold moms to the female version of this standard? Because it is yet another enslaving, unattainable myth to keep women in check, of course.

Let's see...the 1950's woman who "did it all:" Here's Donna. She irons her husband's clothes for work the next day, keeps the bannister free of dust, and vacuums the home every single day with her shiny new Hoover. She prepares home-cooked meals 3x per day. She can't wait for her children to come home from school for lunch. She is a Sunday school teacher, and always has a jello mold ready for the neighborhood parties. She does all this, and more, in heels, a skirt, and a wave in her hair. She is the family's teacher, nurse, referee, cheerleader, and mentor. She is a great mom and wife--she makes her kids and husband proud!

People. Please. This cultural standard/ideal is defined for us and force-fed as if it's a lifestyle we should actually want to lead. Like all unattainable ideals, a revolution comes along and overthrows it, swinging society into a backlash (like the feminist rejection of the June Cleaver image, and the subsequent march to work).

I want to know more about this mythical YMCA mom in the pink tank top and boxing gloves who has to keep up the appearance of doing it all. I really am interested in what she does and if she does it well. Does she ever go on a date to a foreign film and discuss it in-depth with her husband over coffee? Does she have meaningful relationships? Does she garden? Does she cook with creativity and passion? Does she ever hand-write a thank-you card? Does she ever take her family for a quiet hike on a lakeshore? Does she cultivate an inner thought life? Does she read classics? Is she still in love with her man? Does she ever get exhausted and want to tell those around her that she is sick of people thinking she can do it all?

I feel kinda sorry for her.

Hm. It seems all isn't "all," afterall. It seems, rather, that "all" is defined for us as holding down a job (bring in that money), having a family (like a good little woman), and looking good (still gotta please that man!).

I don't think anyone can do it "all." I don't think anyone should want to.

I wonder what the next revolution will look like when this myth is rejected and reincarnated in a new form.

Keepin' It Real in the Trenches

So, this blog is all about a little corner of momspace I've carved out for myself; thus I suppose it's fitting that this post refers to "the mommy wars." Someone I know mentioned this phenomenon to me last week, so I have done a bit of reading to get acquainted with the debate. It seems the mommy wars refer to one's decision to either be a stay at home mom or a working mom, thus politicizing a highly individual choice.

I also found that some feel the mommy wars are nothing more than a media/marketing campaign, or an intellectual debate fought primarily in the sociological realm. "Real" or not, what IS clear is that, once again, women's minds and bodies are not their own but political and ideological battlefields.

I can tell you which decision is right for our family, but I cannot tell which is right for your family. I cannot tell you which side of the DMZ you should be on. But I can, after thinking about my own experiences, tell both sides to get real.

Let's start with working moms (don't worry ladies, I will get to the stay at home crew too). I generally feel like Switzerland--have no real beef with working moms, and have not been targeted for their aggression either. However, let's get one thing straight: I heard a working mom state on public radio recently, "I do everything a stay at home mom does, PLUS work full time!"

I am so sorry, honey, but you are seriously deluded and it is time for you to get real. If you want or have to work, that's fine, but you must own up to the consequences and realities--and that includes the fact that you are paying someone else to care for your child for almost all his/her waking hours. Let's take a conservative commute time estimate of 30 min each way for you to get from home to daycare to work. Let's say you work the typical schedule of 8-5. That would mean you are away from home 10 hours of the day, not even counting any errands you might run before or after work, or any extracurricular activities.

That is 10 hours of the day that your home is not being lived in. 10 hours of not feeding your own baby, changing diapers, cleaning up spit up, teaching ABCs and colors, reading to your child, preparing and cleaning up after messy meals, and managing your child's daily joys and crises. Do not even tell me that you do the job that I do. Do not pretend that you can cram those missing 10 hours of heavy-duty daytime parenting into getting ready in the morning, dinner, and getting ready for bed. In the medical field, you would be an on-call doctor, not the one working all night in the emergency room--not even working at the walk-in clinic or pulling office hours--at least, not until you pick up your child in the evening.

Do not pretend you can provide the quality of care a good stay at home parent does after a long day of work. Get real and answer honestly: do you come home to read to and play with your child--or do you come home and jump into opening mail, doing housework, and checking your email? After talking with moms who have done both--stay at home and work--I have been told, "I feel guilty because when I was working, the last thing I wanted to do was come home and parent. All I wanted to do after a long day of work was sit down and relax."

Ok, now that I have offended the working crowd, let's move on to the stay at home moms. Stay at homers, you too must get real and be honest. First of all, do not act like a martyr or that you are a prisoner to your family. Unless you belong to some austere religious sect or have a very special situation (say, a special needs child who requires intensive in-home care), no one has forced you to be at home. You *can* go to work anytime you like.

Also, opting to be a stay at home mom does not automatically make you a better parent than the working one. I think all of us moms have met terrible stay at home parents, great working parents, and vice versa. Please do not pretend you deserve a medal for round-the-clock parenting if I see you sitting on the couch and screaming at your kids all day.

Finally, you do not need to pity working moms because they are our sisters who *have* to work. Many of them choose to and want to. Not everyone is cut out for 24-hour, 7 days per week mommying. And I commend them for knowing themselves well enough to do what they feel is best for their family.

After all, your kid is more likely to suffer from having an unhappy, resentful mother than a working one.

For awhile, I thought we as women could say "we've arrived" when we reached the point where we can choose to either stay at home or go to work. When no one forced us to stay at home, nor did they force us to hand over our children to paid providers and march off to work. Now I realize that I was wrong. We have not arrived.

No, we will be able to say "we've arrived" when we are both free to choose, and free to do so without guilt and feeling like we need to explain and justify ourselves for our decision.