The day we went out towards Philadelphia, Michael Jackson died. Thus our tour of the Rust Belt was by default and involuntarily set to the FM tune of Michael Jackson, country, and Christian pop songs. There was a brief musical reprieve when we became ensnarled in jumble of Chicago traffic and construction. Rolling along at the speed of a stagecoach in 94 degree heat, we were at least compensated by some energetic Middle Eastern and African folk ballads.
They made me crave a big old schawrma sandwich, however—not a convenient craving for a vegetarian or dinnertime in small town Ohio. Our own dining option in the Ohio river town (Perrysville??) was a “Mexican restaurant” that looked like any brick bar in northern WI or Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. Heavy metal blasting, neon beer signs nailed into brick walls, Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” clips playing on flat screen TVs tuned to CNN. The local beer, presumably made with Lake Erie water, tasted suspiciously like Budweiser. My bean tostada showed up beef. Sigh.
I had counted at least 20 deer grazing along the interstate in the 50 or so miles before our 10 pm dinner stop, so we opted to stay in rivertown. Never again will I stay in a hotel 60 yards from the freeway, in a room next to a slamming exit door. I got little sleep, and very grudgingly ate my continental muffin and grimaced through a few desperate sips of instant coffee.
Hopefully this day of our trip will be better. The carnival of horrors that was Gary, Indiana haunts me hundreds of miles later, inspiring unwelcome thoughts on the sacrifices of industrialization. Maybe Gary is what many parts of China now look like.
Northern Indiana had otherwise been surprisingly idyllic and rural, western Ohio like the bottom of a flat frying pan.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
The Woman Who "Does It All--" Another myth reborn
Last week's mail brought me a copy of my local YMCA's summer programming. The back cover had a picture of a hip mom-woman wearing earrings, lipstick, pink tank top, and boxing gloves. The caption read, "Your kids think you can do it all. Prove them right."
Why is it that we are bombarded with catch phrases and images of women who "do it all," but not men? Have you ever heard of a guy who "does it all?"
Here's Dylan. He works full time, got a promotion last month, picksu p the kids from school and has supper on the table by 6 pm. He's a soccer coach, goes to church, and grills on the weekends. He pays careful attention to appearance--notice how physically fit and stylish he is. He keeps his lawn mowed and won the Best Dad of the Year Award. And he does this all by his 10 pm bedtime! Oh, and he's a great husband too!
Right.
So why do we hold moms to the female version of this standard? Because it is yet another enslaving, unattainable myth to keep women in check, of course.
Let's see...the 1950's woman who "did it all:" Here's Donna. She irons her husband's clothes for work the next day, keeps the bannister free of dust, and vacuums the home every single day with her shiny new Hoover. She prepares home-cooked meals 3x per day. She can't wait for her children to come home from school for lunch. She is a Sunday school teacher, and always has a jello mold ready for the neighborhood parties. She does all this, and more, in heels, a skirt, and a wave in her hair. She is the family's teacher, nurse, referee, cheerleader, and mentor. She is a great mom and wife--she makes her kids and husband proud!
People. Please. This cultural standard/ideal is defined for us and force-fed as if it's a lifestyle we should actually want to lead. Like all unattainable ideals, a revolution comes along and overthrows it, swinging society into a backlash (like the feminist rejection of the June Cleaver image, and the subsequent march to work).
I want to know more about this mythical YMCA mom in the pink tank top and boxing gloves who has to keep up the appearance of doing it all. I really am interested in what she does and if she does it well. Does she ever go on a date to a foreign film and discuss it in-depth with her husband over coffee? Does she have meaningful relationships? Does she garden? Does she cook with creativity and passion? Does she ever hand-write a thank-you card? Does she ever take her family for a quiet hike on a lakeshore? Does she cultivate an inner thought life? Does she read classics? Is she still in love with her man? Does she ever get exhausted and want to tell those around her that she is sick of people thinking she can do it all?
I feel kinda sorry for her.
Hm. It seems all isn't "all," afterall. It seems, rather, that "all" is defined for us as holding down a job (bring in that money), having a family (like a good little woman), and looking good (still gotta please that man!).
I don't think anyone can do it "all." I don't think anyone should want to.
I wonder what the next revolution will look like when this myth is rejected and reincarnated in a new form.
Why is it that we are bombarded with catch phrases and images of women who "do it all," but not men? Have you ever heard of a guy who "does it all?"
Here's Dylan. He works full time, got a promotion last month, picksu p the kids from school and has supper on the table by 6 pm. He's a soccer coach, goes to church, and grills on the weekends. He pays careful attention to appearance--notice how physically fit and stylish he is. He keeps his lawn mowed and won the Best Dad of the Year Award. And he does this all by his 10 pm bedtime! Oh, and he's a great husband too!
Right.
So why do we hold moms to the female version of this standard? Because it is yet another enslaving, unattainable myth to keep women in check, of course.
Let's see...the 1950's woman who "did it all:" Here's Donna. She irons her husband's clothes for work the next day, keeps the bannister free of dust, and vacuums the home every single day with her shiny new Hoover. She prepares home-cooked meals 3x per day. She can't wait for her children to come home from school for lunch. She is a Sunday school teacher, and always has a jello mold ready for the neighborhood parties. She does all this, and more, in heels, a skirt, and a wave in her hair. She is the family's teacher, nurse, referee, cheerleader, and mentor. She is a great mom and wife--she makes her kids and husband proud!
People. Please. This cultural standard/ideal is defined for us and force-fed as if it's a lifestyle we should actually want to lead. Like all unattainable ideals, a revolution comes along and overthrows it, swinging society into a backlash (like the feminist rejection of the June Cleaver image, and the subsequent march to work).
I want to know more about this mythical YMCA mom in the pink tank top and boxing gloves who has to keep up the appearance of doing it all. I really am interested in what she does and if she does it well. Does she ever go on a date to a foreign film and discuss it in-depth with her husband over coffee? Does she have meaningful relationships? Does she garden? Does she cook with creativity and passion? Does she ever hand-write a thank-you card? Does she ever take her family for a quiet hike on a lakeshore? Does she cultivate an inner thought life? Does she read classics? Is she still in love with her man? Does she ever get exhausted and want to tell those around her that she is sick of people thinking she can do it all?
I feel kinda sorry for her.
Hm. It seems all isn't "all," afterall. It seems, rather, that "all" is defined for us as holding down a job (bring in that money), having a family (like a good little woman), and looking good (still gotta please that man!).
I don't think anyone can do it "all." I don't think anyone should want to.
I wonder what the next revolution will look like when this myth is rejected and reincarnated in a new form.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Keepin' It Real in the Trenches
So, this blog is all about a little corner of momspace I've carved out for myself; thus I suppose it's fitting that this post refers to "the mommy wars." Someone I know mentioned this phenomenon to me last week, so I have done a bit of reading to get acquainted with the debate. It seems the mommy wars refer to one's decision to either be a stay at home mom or a working mom, thus politicizing a highly individual choice.
I also found that some feel the mommy wars are nothing more than a media/marketing campaign, or an intellectual debate fought primarily in the sociological realm. "Real" or not, what IS clear is that, once again, women's minds and bodies are not their own but political and ideological battlefields.
I can tell you which decision is right for our family, but I cannot tell which is right for your family. I cannot tell you which side of the DMZ you should be on. But I can, after thinking about my own experiences, tell both sides to get real.
Let's start with working moms (don't worry ladies, I will get to the stay at home crew too). I generally feel like Switzerland--have no real beef with working moms, and have not been targeted for their aggression either. However, let's get one thing straight: I heard a working mom state on public radio recently, "I do everything a stay at home mom does, PLUS work full time!"
I am so sorry, honey, but you are seriously deluded and it is time for you to get real. If you want or have to work, that's fine, but you must own up to the consequences and realities--and that includes the fact that you are paying someone else to care for your child for almost all his/her waking hours. Let's take a conservative commute time estimate of 30 min each way for you to get from home to daycare to work. Let's say you work the typical schedule of 8-5. That would mean you are away from home 10 hours of the day, not even counting any errands you might run before or after work, or any extracurricular activities.
That is 10 hours of the day that your home is not being lived in. 10 hours of not feeding your own baby, changing diapers, cleaning up spit up, teaching ABCs and colors, reading to your child, preparing and cleaning up after messy meals, and managing your child's daily joys and crises. Do not even tell me that you do the job that I do. Do not pretend that you can cram those missing 10 hours of heavy-duty daytime parenting into getting ready in the morning, dinner, and getting ready for bed. In the medical field, you would be an on-call doctor, not the one working all night in the emergency room--not even working at the walk-in clinic or pulling office hours--at least, not until you pick up your child in the evening.
Do not pretend you can provide the quality of care a good stay at home parent does after a long day of work. Get real and answer honestly: do you come home to read to and play with your child--or do you come home and jump into opening mail, doing housework, and checking your email? After talking with moms who have done both--stay at home and work--I have been told, "I feel guilty because when I was working, the last thing I wanted to do was come home and parent. All I wanted to do after a long day of work was sit down and relax."
Ok, now that I have offended the working crowd, let's move on to the stay at home moms. Stay at homers, you too must get real and be honest. First of all, do not act like a martyr or that you are a prisoner to your family. Unless you belong to some austere religious sect or have a very special situation (say, a special needs child who requires intensive in-home care), no one has forced you to be at home. You *can* go to work anytime you like.
Also, opting to be a stay at home mom does not automatically make you a better parent than the working one. I think all of us moms have met terrible stay at home parents, great working parents, and vice versa. Please do not pretend you deserve a medal for round-the-clock parenting if I see you sitting on the couch and screaming at your kids all day.
Finally, you do not need to pity working moms because they are our sisters who *have* to work. Many of them choose to and want to. Not everyone is cut out for 24-hour, 7 days per week mommying. And I commend them for knowing themselves well enough to do what they feel is best for their family.
After all, your kid is more likely to suffer from having an unhappy, resentful mother than a working one.
For awhile, I thought we as women could say "we've arrived" when we reached the point where we can choose to either stay at home or go to work. When no one forced us to stay at home, nor did they force us to hand over our children to paid providers and march off to work. Now I realize that I was wrong. We have not arrived.
No, we will be able to say "we've arrived" when we are both free to choose, and free to do so without guilt and feeling like we need to explain and justify ourselves for our decision.
I also found that some feel the mommy wars are nothing more than a media/marketing campaign, or an intellectual debate fought primarily in the sociological realm. "Real" or not, what IS clear is that, once again, women's minds and bodies are not their own but political and ideological battlefields.
I can tell you which decision is right for our family, but I cannot tell which is right for your family. I cannot tell you which side of the DMZ you should be on. But I can, after thinking about my own experiences, tell both sides to get real.
Let's start with working moms (don't worry ladies, I will get to the stay at home crew too). I generally feel like Switzerland--have no real beef with working moms, and have not been targeted for their aggression either. However, let's get one thing straight: I heard a working mom state on public radio recently, "I do everything a stay at home mom does, PLUS work full time!"
I am so sorry, honey, but you are seriously deluded and it is time for you to get real. If you want or have to work, that's fine, but you must own up to the consequences and realities--and that includes the fact that you are paying someone else to care for your child for almost all his/her waking hours. Let's take a conservative commute time estimate of 30 min each way for you to get from home to daycare to work. Let's say you work the typical schedule of 8-5. That would mean you are away from home 10 hours of the day, not even counting any errands you might run before or after work, or any extracurricular activities.
That is 10 hours of the day that your home is not being lived in. 10 hours of not feeding your own baby, changing diapers, cleaning up spit up, teaching ABCs and colors, reading to your child, preparing and cleaning up after messy meals, and managing your child's daily joys and crises. Do not even tell me that you do the job that I do. Do not pretend that you can cram those missing 10 hours of heavy-duty daytime parenting into getting ready in the morning, dinner, and getting ready for bed. In the medical field, you would be an on-call doctor, not the one working all night in the emergency room--not even working at the walk-in clinic or pulling office hours--at least, not until you pick up your child in the evening.
Do not pretend you can provide the quality of care a good stay at home parent does after a long day of work. Get real and answer honestly: do you come home to read to and play with your child--or do you come home and jump into opening mail, doing housework, and checking your email? After talking with moms who have done both--stay at home and work--I have been told, "I feel guilty because when I was working, the last thing I wanted to do was come home and parent. All I wanted to do after a long day of work was sit down and relax."
Ok, now that I have offended the working crowd, let's move on to the stay at home moms. Stay at homers, you too must get real and be honest. First of all, do not act like a martyr or that you are a prisoner to your family. Unless you belong to some austere religious sect or have a very special situation (say, a special needs child who requires intensive in-home care), no one has forced you to be at home. You *can* go to work anytime you like.
Also, opting to be a stay at home mom does not automatically make you a better parent than the working one. I think all of us moms have met terrible stay at home parents, great working parents, and vice versa. Please do not pretend you deserve a medal for round-the-clock parenting if I see you sitting on the couch and screaming at your kids all day.
Finally, you do not need to pity working moms because they are our sisters who *have* to work. Many of them choose to and want to. Not everyone is cut out for 24-hour, 7 days per week mommying. And I commend them for knowing themselves well enough to do what they feel is best for their family.
After all, your kid is more likely to suffer from having an unhappy, resentful mother than a working one.
For awhile, I thought we as women could say "we've arrived" when we reached the point where we can choose to either stay at home or go to work. When no one forced us to stay at home, nor did they force us to hand over our children to paid providers and march off to work. Now I realize that I was wrong. We have not arrived.
No, we will be able to say "we've arrived" when we are both free to choose, and free to do so without guilt and feeling like we need to explain and justify ourselves for our decision.
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