A Question of Wills

As Himal's 2nd birthday draws nigh, I've been thinking a lot about parenting lately. There are a couple of blog posts I've been wanting to write for awhile now, but like all my heady summer thoughts, they seem fragmented. I've reflected a lot on what the past year has taught me, all the hard-won lessons I've learned, and how my pespective has changed over the past year.

In the past, I've written about choice and free will, mentioning that despite our free will, there's a lot we don't get to "choose" in this life. I cited our birth families as an example. But, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if there is more of a cosmic roll call going on than we realize.

I remember when I first got to Nepal and was to live with a host family. Our program director, Manohari, had a mind-boggling list of families who had bravely volunteered to host an American college student of unknown character and hygiene. A few families had specified whether they wanted a male or female student to share their home, but other than that, there were no qualifications. I listened attentively as Manohari went down the list. I hadn't realized there would be some degree of choice involved, so I hadn't come up with any particular attributes I'd like my host family to have. The list went on and on, and still no family seemed quite right to me. After Manohari read each description, one or another of my 23 colleagues would jump on it. As he approached, the bottom, I felt a growing apprehension that I wouldn't find a suitable match.

Then, towards the very end, I heard this: "An ethnic Limbu family from the eastern hills living in Dhumbarahi. Extended family living situation involving a mom and her 2 girls and 1 boy, an aged grandmother, an auntie and uncle with a 3 year old boy, and several other people living both upstairs and downstairs. The father is away, working in Hong Kong." My hand shot up and I rushed to the front to sign my name on that line. I had found my perfect family, and perfect they were. I'm wondering lately if something similar occurs on a more spiritual level.

Today a neighbor came over with her 6-month old son. I'd never met her before, but I had many of Himal's baby clothes and toys to give her. As she entered our home, the difference between life with her child and life with my child was astounding. She nonchalantly mentioned that her husband was home "deathly ill," and the heart parental red flag went up...the unspoken code that You Do Not Come Over If There Is Illness in the Family flag. But, I sighed internally and let it go--after all, she doesn't know. Then, she proceeded to tell me that her pregnancy was completely unplanned, and she didn't even know she was pregnant until the 3rd trimester. The thoughts came washing over me in an unwanted tide...those thoughts that I try so hard to repress. But think about it--if you were me, wouldn't you think them too?! The thoughts that we had planned Himal's pregnancy so carefully and done everything "right," but he has HLHS. The thoughts that this woman didn't even know she was pregnant, didn't want children at all, and--surprise!--gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby like magic.

I looked at the baby, who was an adorable boy. At 6 months, he already weighs 18 lb (Himal is almost 2 and weighs 25 lb). The 6 month old is almost in 12 months clothes. He sits up on his own and is almost standing up on his own. The difference between the 2 experiences couldn't be greater.

Sometimes it's hard to comprehend. It's hard to comprehend why some people try so hard to have kids and can't, whereas others have kids they didn't plan or even want. But, as I looked at this mom and baby, I got the impression that having her son had completely changed her life around. There was no question that she loved her son and was a good mom to him. She might not be like me and her priorities were certainly very different, but I've come to believe that both of our sons have completely changed us internally.

I marvel at how she didn't *know.* I knew...I mean, really knew...that I was pregnant even before an early detection test would work. I bought the earliest detection test on the market and took it days before it said it would work, and the faintest pink line confirmed my knowledge. I *knew* Himal was a boy even though my family and friends all guessed he was a girl. I knew, deep down, that there was something wrong with him, despite everyone around me insisting things were fine and that all expectant moms share this worry. And I also knew that he really wanted to be born and be given every chance to fight.

And this brings me to the crux of this post. I was chatting online with a fellow heart mom a couple weeks ago--a heart mom who was asking some heavy questions about faith and God. I brought up a train of thought I've been wondering about lately. Our culture places a huge emphasis on controlling one's own destiny, exercising our individual rights, and asserting our free will. Modern Christianity also is a big proponent of the idea of "free will." And yet, our notion of "free will" seems so violated when a traumatic event happens in our lives. We didn't "choose" this--we didn't choose to give our son HLHS, and he didn't choose to be born with it...right?

Wait a second. Maybe...we did? And I'm not talking about in the Garden of Eden, when humanity chose to know good and evil alike. God knows us better than we know ourselves. He knew our souls even before we were born on this earth.

Someday, when Himal is say, 16 or so, he might scream at me, "why was I even born?! I didn't ask to be born!" But I know better. I, as his mom, *knew.* Sometimes, we parents know our kids better than they know themselves. Sometimes we remember things that for them are deeply buried in their blurry subconcious. I might then say, "I knew you before you were even born. And at that time, you told me you wanted to be born and live this life."

What if I, before I was born into this earthly body and forgot what came before, volunteered to be a mom to a child with HLHS? I can just see God calling for volunteers. Maybe volunteering is different than raw choice.

Even Jesus, who volunteered to lay down His life for humankind, seemed to have momentary forgetfulness in Gesthemane, when He begged God to take away the cup He had to drink. But God said, "I know better. I remember. You volunteered to do this."

I'm not saying I'm a god of any sort. I'm merely saying that there may be Biblical precedent for this idea.

Countless times I've heard parents talking about how their heart kids seem otherwordly, almost as if they have a more direct connection to the Divine. I've heard stories of heart kids having premonitions and heavenly messages that, if I didn't know the parent were telling the truth, I'm not sure I would believe. I've heard parents talk about some of the things their heart kids have said about God and heaven, and these things are way beyond their years and even way beyond most people's spiritual understanding. I've heard other (as we call them, "heart healthy") parents say to parents like me, "God chose to give you this child because He knew your faith would be strong enough to be their parent." But "choosing" to give us this situation...is that like God? Maybe yes, maybe no. What about Himal? He didn't "chose" this...or...is it possible that God called for volunteers and he stepped up?

I can actually picture it so perfectly.
God: I need a few special souls to be born with heart defects. You're going to have to go through operations and countless procedures and feel immeasurable pain. Everyday things will often be a struggle for you. You might not live very long. But the payoff far outweighs all that. You are going to touch a whole lot more lives than you ever dreamed. You're going to give people hope and you're going to be loved more than you can even bear it. You're going to know what really matters, and your going to show it to others. You're going to meet the most amazing people, the faces of determination and dedication, such as pediatric cardiologists and physical therapists and other special people who take interest in you and protect you. And I'll even throw this into the deal: I am going to keep you close to me, under my wing and especially tight in my palm, because I know you're going to need me a lot (and that's a good thing).
Himal (and several other voices in a chorus): ok, I think I can do that. Sounds like a pretty big adventure. Sign me up, then.

I think this is a pretty radical idea as far as Christianity goes, and maybe it's even a bit of a stupid idea. To go around saying that we chose our general lot but forgot? I don't think most religious folks would really accept it or acknowledge much Biblical basis for it other than what I've outlined. In fact, some would probably say this entire post is an indication that I'm getting way off-base, and need to start attending church again so that my spiritual ideas can be tested for truth (ie, shot down) by a body of believers. What about Job, right? No warm fuzzy notions of choice there! But I don't quite feel like Job. I feel like I've been blessed, not cursed, punished, or stricken. More on that later. But because of the theological shakiness, I do feel obliged to put in a disclaimer: this is only an idea and I do not claim it to be absolute spiritual truth.

Then again, maybe we didn't choose at all. Maybe God, knowing our souls inside and out, just *knew* that we would choose this path if we could do it over again (more on this later too), having the hindsight or the greater knowledge we will eventually have, and chose for us.

For the Record...

Raising a family, parenting, trying to keep it all straight...is hard. Few would dispute it. There's a lot to keep straight. This is the medication schedule:

8:30 am: Himal's 1st round of meds
Cat's morning pill
11:30 am: Himal's 2nd round of meds
2:30 pm: Himal's 3rd round of meds
8:30 pm: Himal's 4th round of meds
Cat's evening pill

Is it any wonder that once in awhile we realize, with horror, we've lost track of the time, or forgotten to call in a refill for 1 of many Rx's? On top of that...2 of the meds are refrigerated, so when we're not at home for one of the scheduled med times, we have to be sure to pack up a cooler and bring it with us (sometimes we realize, with horror, we've reached a destination only to have forgotten the meds at home, and have to turn back and start all over again). Keep in mind that Himal is not old enough to swallow pills, so these meds have to be made in liquid form at the pharmacy, and we in turn draw them up individually in oral syringes. We also have a pill cutter so we can give the cat her proper dose. If we spend the night somewhere, we have a lot of meds to pack up and keep cool, and we have to make arrangements to have a pet sitter come 2x/day for the kitty.

I'm not complaining...I'm just saying...as someone who could never even remember to take her birth controll pill on a daily basis, I've had to come down to earth a lot.

Sultini

I want to be more than just a receptacle for memory
a repository for stories
a teller of truths, a chronicler,
a sifter, a winnower
But I feel like a shadowy ghost

I can build a house
windows, roof and floor
four walls and door
I can light a fire
and candles against the night
offer you a place of repose
when your thoughts take flight
But nothing more

You come to me for wisdom
when the world has hemmed you in
when it pushes on all sides
and you look to the horizon
You make me an outcast, a witch
on the edge of what you see
banished to the hovel in the forest
between the village and the sea

The house is empty, bare, unfurbished
a structure you inhabit only when you wander
then you seek me, looking for words to squander
a library, an index, the wind howls through
without you it's bare bones mi amor
and nothing more

Are you ashamed, or do you want
to keep me to yourself
your little secret not quite dirty
not quite clean, but I've
grown weary of playing the role
in which you've cast me,
teller of tales, house of words
walls windows and floor
and nothing more
so there's the door :)